nofriendsinhell:

You know that feeling when you finally realize that everything is different and will never be the same again?

I realized it when I saw my brother with his shirt tucked in on christmas eve. Seems pretty silly right? but the thing is… that image just looked so… adult. I couldn’t believe it. I’m looking at my brother, only three years older than myself, whom i grew up with playing video games and wrestling with… hes an adult. he still is a rowdy college student at heart, but for one night, he reminded me of my father.

I didn’t like it. I don’t like it. I made me want to scream.

Everything I knew from the last three years is meaningless. Everything I once held dear to me is gone.The people I care about don’t feel the same, and I don’t think they see me the same anymore either.

I feel the same. I want to be the same. But by trying to be the same I’m only hurting myself more, because… well, I don’t know why. All i know is that the more i live the more i hurt. Which sounds awful. I think my mom was afraid I was going to kill myself at Temple a few weeks ago… she made it kind of a joke when she asked me not to jump out in front of a car, but the scary thing is that It seemed like she really meant it. Please, Christine. Just don’t jump off a bridge or into traffic.

The even scarier thing is that I’ve considered it. Which… frightens me. I don’t want to die. I’ve never wanted to die. I just want a change. I want to change things that can’t be changed. I want to reverse time and just live the last three years over again. I don’t need to do much different, I just want the time when I was happy to come back around. I miss being happy.

My mom bought me a bracelet with the word “courage” on it. She said she bought it three weeks ago and just gave me a meaningful look.

But… I don’t want to grow up anymore. thats what i’ve decided. As a “grown up” all I’ve done is fight off the urge to drink and smoke even thought I want to do everything that is wrong so badly. I want to go out walking for a night and come home at 9AM. I want people to worry, I want to feel like someone cares what happens to me without giving me advice. I don’t need advice. I need friends.

I need someone to give me a way out, but the only way out I’d want… doesn’t really exist. So all other advice is just… annoying. I can’t take anymore advice. I don’t need it. I need friends to show me I’m not alone. I need people to want to call me and people to want to see me and people to want to come to my house or my dorm without me asking first. i don’t want to feel awkward in every situation I enter. I don’t want to look at a whiskey sour and think it’ll somehow make me happy. I don’t want to fall asleep every night thinking about the cigar at my friends house I’m dying to smoke.

I came home from college thinking I’d be better here. that without the school work and without the friendless zone, I’d be better… but nothing has gotten better

I live hour to hour with odd ups and downs.

I just need my friends back. I just want to see people. I don’t want to be afraid to look at the plans people make on facebook. I don’t want to fear email and the telephone. I don’t want to keep making plans for one instead of for groups.

this has been an incredibly awful post that i now don’t feel like posting. but I know I’ll feel worse if I don’t.

And Lexa… thank you again so much for the card. It really did make my day. I love you oodles.

Girl, I know you may not believe it but I understand and feel everything you’ve typed up. Maybe not everything but a lot of it. You are not alone. Never think that. You made a huge change and it’s only been what, 3 months? It’s going to take a bit longer to get used to. You’re not the only person who goes through these kind of troubles, I know I felt the same at some point. And it may sound weird, but this semester was the hardest for me too. Why now, 5 semesters in, I don’t know… But just know that you’re not alone. And you got through this semester, you will get through the rest. I promise! And you can always call me, always. Even if you think I sound like a man, haha. And I’m so glad the card made your day just a little bit better. I love you so much. <3

Hey ya’ll!

So I created another blog purely out of boredom. It’s basically a blog dedicated to anyone and anything fabulous! Musicians, models, actors/actresses, stars, anything artistic, beautiful, creative, you name it. I don’t know about you, but I love looking at people who look amazing, and wanting to be them so bad!

So if you’d like, you can head on over and follow it at http://wannabefabulous.tumblr.com/

And it would be really cool if anyone wanted to become a member and post along with me whenever they want! So if you’d like to do so, just let me know. All I need is your email!

Merry Christmas everyone!

makethecall:

1. The Sleeping- What It Takes

2. A Day to Remember- Homesick

3. Set Your Goals- This Will be the Death of Us

4. The Swellers- Ups and Downsizing

5. Karate High School- Invaders

6. The Wonder Years/All or Nothing- Distance (split vinyl)

7. Broadway Calls- Good Views, Bad News

8. This Time Next Year- Road Maps and Heart Attacks

9. Four Letter Lie- A New Day

10. Vanna- A New Hope

How could I forget KHS! I hate trying to remember what albums came out which year, haha.

So I planned on writing out my list of favorite albums released in 2009 and then I realized, there weren’t that many albums that came out this year that I really enjoyed… There are a handful that I’ve heard and half of those were by artists that I usually enjoy and listen to, but have been way too lazy to sit down and listen to enough to declare whether or not I “favored” them. Therefore, my list is going to be a little short and stingy.

FUN. - AIM AND IGNITE

My #1 album of the year for obvious reasons! Nate Ruess, the musical and lyrical genius. The album was just another Format album to me and that may be half the reason I love it so much, but I also love the fact that it’s not, and it’s new, and it’s Nate finally doing what he wants to do with new musicians and friends. This is the album I listened to 95% of my trips to school in the morning because c’mon, what better way to start the morning of a soon-to-be shitty day than listening to these guys? When I was tired, when I was sad, when I was happy— this was the album I slipped into my CD player. And when I couldn’t decide what I wanted to hear, this was always the first album of choice. I honestly can’t imagine how I would ever get by without their music and I have them to thank for my (positive) outlook on life. When I hated myself and my life, this album was the only album that made me forget everything and want to be happy. There’s just so much to say and little words to use to describe what Nate and his music means to me. Hands down, best album of the year. Hands down.

LADY GAGA - THE FAME MONSTER

I know it just came out recently, but in my opinion this is definitely one of the best albums of the year. I never really paid mind to Lady Gaga or heard much of her music (maybe a song or two) but as soon as I watched the ‘Bad Romance’ music video I was in complete awe. I instantly fell in love with her odd moves, her out-of-the-norm style, and her outstanding voice. I couldn’t believe I had never given her the time of day or realized (from ‘Love Game’) just how great of a singer she was. I haven’t stopped listening to her since. She’s addicting, beautiful, talented, and just overall makes me want to be fabulous and dance my ass off! She’s become one of my all-time favorite musicians and I don’t even feel guilty for declaring this album one of the best of the year by knowing her for only a month or two. Although I prefer The Fame over The Fame Monster, this album is still absolutely amazing and tops 98% of the albums released in 2009.

MIRANDA LAMBERT - REVOLUTION

Miranda Lambert is my girl. She’s Country, she’s everything Country is about, and she’s everything I love about Country! (Did any of that make sense?) But when it comes to this genre of music there’s only a few musicians who I truly love and make the effort to keep track of. When I listen to the radio, I only listen to Country stations. And I can listen to every song that comes on and enjoy them (except for a select few). But there are only a few Country artists that I love enough to buy their CD’s and actually want to listen to outside of their radio station hits, and Miranda is one of them. I love this girl so much, she’s so gorgeous and sweet, and she actually sounds Country. When it comes to Country, I take it seriously. And that probably sounds weird and lame, but it’s just what I grew up with and will always love. I love the hillbilly tunes, the redneck lyrics, the accents. I love it all. And when I listen to Country, I want all of that. Miranda is all of that wrapped up in one but she doesn’t go too far. She makes it classy and sexy. Her voice is amazing and her music is fun and emotional and true, and Revolution was simply an amazing album and I will always love and cherish this girl!

HOT MESS - COBRA STARSHIP

I’ll admit, this is my least favorite album out of the bands three, but it was still pretty great and still pretty Cobra Starship. Although I wasn’t a fan of some of the songs on the album, there were still a handful of them that I enjoyed. Their music is always enjoyable and I have to give Gabe mad props for all the shit he went through with his vocals before he recorded the lyrics. He deserves some respect and credit for his ability to get the job done and simply for how much he aims to please his fans. ‘Hot Mess’ was my jam for quite awhile and although a B-side, ‘New Edition’ was my favorite track on the album.

TAKING BACK SUNDAY - NEW AGAIN

When I first heard the album in length, I wasn’t as excited about it as I planned to be and it was in some ways a letdown. But we have to face it, TBS will never be as amazing as they were during their first 2 albums, at least in my opinion. However, the album did have a couple of tracks that I thoroughly enjoyed rocking out to. ‘New Again’ was definitely the star track and every time I listen to it, it turns me into a rock monster, haha. Overall the album was pretty good and the addition of Matt was a plus, and I think they have a lot to look forward to (as long as they don’t lose another).

THE CAB - THE LADY LUCK EP

It may have been a 5-track EP but every single song is enjoyable and makes me sing along (and my sister…and my mom…). It was just nice to hear some new music from the boys since the release of Whisper War and I can honestly say that these guys have real potential. There are a lot of Pop-ish punk bands out there but these guys really emphasize the Pop. To me, they’re the best of the best and they just have the ability to stand out from all the others. Alex (DeLeon’s) voice is absolutely outstanding and he could go solo if he wanted and do amazing on his own. If you listen close enough, you can just hear the Justin Timberlake similarity and it’s pretty impressive. But that thought aside, this EP was one of the most listened-to albums by me this year and definitely one of my favorites.

MILEY CYRUS - HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE SOUNDTRACK

Go ahead and hate/bug on me if you wish, haha. And I’ll be completely honest, I didn’t really listen to the soundtrack outside of the handful of times I watched the movie, but there are quite a bit of songs from the album that I love! And to be even more honest, the main reason for me listing this was simply due to ‘Hoedown Throwdown’. And it may be wrong, but yes, I will base this pick off of one song! I don’t feel guilty about loving it at all, but it is one of those guilty pleasures that you just can’t help but dance and sing along to. I can’t even count how many times Tressa and I would play this song and act like nerds singing along to it. I was going to list THE TIME OF OUR LIVES EP as well but I never really listened to it outside of ‘Party In The USA’ (which I’m sure every other person on the face of the planet CANNOT deny was a guilty pleasure). Everybody knows I used to despise Miley but I think for awhile I secretly loved her simply because she’s from Tennessee and I loved Billy Ray, but it was one boring night when I decided to watch ‘The Climb’ music video and really enjoyed the song, which made me fall in love with her. And it was one daring day where I decided to watch the Hannah Montana series in which I made my decision. She was adorable, dorky, funny, and her voice is just raw and different. And hey, I can’t deny my love for accents… But thanks to coming out of my shell she became an enjoyable musician for me and although my excitement has died down quite a bit, I still see her as a talented young musician and will always anticipate what she has to sing next.

So there are several other albums I could list but as I said before, I never gave them enough listens to base opinions on. I think that this year I discovered more music from previous years than this one alone. And I’m okay with that. There’s a lot of music out there that I haven’t had the chance to hear although I’ve been planning to. I’m starting to get sick of the same old music and I’m ready for anything different!

So to finish off, here’s my list of the album’s I gave a listen to one or a few more times that had good impressions, but I never got the chance to enjoy more than I’d wished-

Say Anything - Say Anything, Miley Cyrus - The Time Of Our Lives EP, Paramore - Brand New Eyes, We The Kings - Smile Kid, The Academy Is… - Lost In Pacific Time EP, All Time Low - Nothing Personal, Ace Enders and a Million Different People - When I Hit The Ground, Two Tongues - Two Tongues, Mitchel Musso - Mitchel Musso, Brand New - Daisy, Lights- The Listening, Carrie Underwood - Play On.

2009’S MOST ANNOYING:

Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, Jonas Brothers, Forever The Sickest Kids, NeverShoutNever (NeverStraightNever!), Justin Beiber, the Millionaires, Jeffree Star, Tyra Banks [WILL ALWAYS MAKE THE LIST], and TWILIGHT/THE CAST/EVERYTHING ABOUT IT, ESPECIALLY THE HARDCORE, WAY TOO OBSESSED FANS. (Sorry ya’ll!)